Remember Me Not
by Sylvia Blackwood
Summary: Severus Snape survives the final battle. He is left with no memory of the life he has led. Entrusted into Harry's care, Snape must find a way to move forward with his life. However, the interest he has in the curious young man steadily grows the more he is around him. Harry is torn with his feelings. Does he encourage Snape's interest, or should he run the other way? M/M Snarry
1. Awkward Situation

**Author's Note:** Roughly follows after DH, rated T for now. Not sure yet if I want to make it spicier.

* * *

Remember Me Not

I'm tired of sitting in this hospital bed. Only a few nurses come in. They hardly speak to me, except to ask the usual questions about my well-being. I wanted to get out of here. I tried to think about what I knew, and what limited knowledge I did remember. Apparently, there had been a war. And I was one of the casualties. But there were some things that the others were not telling me. I was tired of them evading my questions.

One day, I heard the door opening, and I pretended to be asleep so that I didn't have to talk to the stupid nurses. But I didn't hear them advance or do any tests. It seemed like they were just standing there. Curious, I opened my eyes to see who my 'guest' was.

The young man in front of me was beautiful, to say the least. I think I recognize him from the newspaper. But what was unnerving was that I seemed to have startled him. He looked like a little weary animal. "I… I'm sorry… I didn't mean to disturb you. I just… I just wanted to see if it was really you." He said. Either he knows me or knows of me. Either way, it's something.

"What do you mean?" I asked him.

"I… I thought you were dead… I'm sorry… I… I'll leave you alone…" With that, he headed for the door.

"Wait just a minute." I'm almost desperate for answers. I don't want him to leave yet. "Come here." I decided to sit up so that I could properly talk to him. He came back, but was looking more nervous than ever. "Why are you so weary of me?"

"Well, Sir. You practically died in my arms during the Final Battle. I never even got a chance to thank you for all you've done." He said. So he knows me personally. Regards me with enough respect to call me 'Sir'. He continued, "Look, I know that I'm probably the last person you want to see. I'm just glad to know you are alive." He was turning to leave again.

This just gets more interesting. "If you were the last person I wanted to see, I would have said something to that affect, now wouldn't I? I would like to get some answers from you if it's not too inconvenient." He tentatively came back again. I kept looking at him, trying to see if something was familiar, but I couldn't place it.

"If you have questions Sir, could you please ask them? Because I'm starting to feel like a bug that you want to crush with your shoe with all your staring."

That seems a bit harsh. "Would I really do that?"

"Perhaps before, I would have said yes, but now that I know the truth… no."

"Interesting. What truth?"

"The memories you gave me."

"The memories…" I thought about this. There's something important here.

Just then, one of the idiot nurses came barging in without warning, and was startled by my guest. "Mr. Potter. You shouldn't be here. They are all waiting for you downstairs. Could you please keep this knowledge a secret from the press. The last thing this man needs is publicity."

So he is the one I've been reading about in the papers. He's the hero of this war. Why would I know this famous hero? I don't understand.

"Then why do you have his name on the door?" He asked.

"That's policy. Unbreakable, because the name automatically appears when we assign the room. But this hallway is the least traveled, and the best place to hide something is out in the open, is it not?"

"But why? Is he in danger from other Death Eaters?"

"That is one concern. But his current condition is… well…" She made it sound like I was crippled or worse.

Those expressive green eyes turned back to me with worry. How interesting. Two minutes ago, he was scared of me. Now he seems scared for me. "What happened?" He asked.

The nurse answered before I could get a word in. "He had an antidote in his system, probably one he made himself, to counter the poison, and it took longer to take hold than he must have anticipated. He was mostly dead when he was found."

I'm tired of this bimbo. "Could you please stop talking about me as though I'm not here?" I asked.

The nurse ignored me and went on. "He… suffered a side effect. As a result, he's lost several of his memories." The young man looked somewhat shocked by this piece of news.

"Mr. Potter did provide some interesting information. He was there. And I apparently gave him some memories." Now that the nurse shut up, she will hopefully take this information into account. If I released those memories to Mr. Potter, then it might be possible that more memories slipped out without my knowledge, or control. Meaning they are somewhere floating around, and need to be collected rather than remembered.

"Do you remember who I am?" Mr. Potter asked.

"I'm afraid not."

"Then how do you know my name?"

"She said it as she walked in, dunderhead." I crossed my arms. I meant for it to just be teasing, but he looked down as though he'd been thoroughly chastised.

The nurse picked that moment to speak again. "Come to think of it, Dumbledore left us sealed instructions should one or both of you end up here. His word was enough for us to believe in Mr. Snape's innocence. So as instructed, he is being treated with the best of care. However the problem is that he is ready to be discharged soon, and I've been informed that all of his estates have been warded by Auror's. He is still considered 'dead' to the ministry, and since there's no other family members, the Ministry confiscated all properties. He's virtually homeless now. Dumbledore mentioned that you would probably be able to take him in, if he ever needed a place."

Mr. Potter looked shocked by this, but it quickly shifted into acceptance, "Yes. I believe that won't be a problem."

"He's not to be seen outside unless he has a glamour. Until the Ministry settles everything war related, he won't be safe outside." Again, she's treating me like an invalid. Mr. Potter kept his gaze on me.

"Will it be alright if you came to live with me?" He asked.

I was shocked by the question, but still, it didn't seem like I had any say. "It doesn't seem I have much of a choice." I was surprised to see sadness in his face. This young man is quite the puzzle.

"It's probably the safest choice at the moment. I'll try to help anyway I can, and the place is big enough that we don't even have to cross paths if you don't want to." This unsettled me. He really was afraid of me. Yet, he jumped at the opportunity to help me. I wish I knew why. At least I'll have a chance to find out. The important thing is that I'll be able to get out of here.

He didn't look at me again when he jotted down his information and left the room. I didn't like seeing that sad look on his face. Perhaps I can change that.

* * *

I step out of the Floo, glad to be away from that infernal establishment. I had already sent along what belongings I had to my new place, and here I was face to face with Harry Potter, my new house-mate.

He immediately went into what seemed like a well rehearsed speech. "Good afternoon Professor. Welcome to the old Headquarters. Now, it's just a really big and hidden house. If you'll follow me, I'll show you where you'll be staying." He turned and started walking. I had no choice but to follow. We entered into a room on the second floor, and I was amazed at how homey it looked. Harry leapt into his tour guide mode. "I've taken the liberty of arranging a few things, but you can change whatever you wish. In here, you have a sitting room and library along with a non-Floo fireplace. There is a desk, full of the standard office supply materials. If there are any books you need me to purchase, let me know. Unfortunately, I've found that the Ministry has frozen your accounts, but I will be able to cover any purchases you need. Through that door there, is your bedroom and master bathroom. And through here," Harry opened the door at the far end. "is your new laboratory. I tried stocking the cabinets with as many ingredients as I could find, but I don't know if you'll require something else. Same thing with equipment. Let me know what you need and I'll get it."

It was clear that he didn't expect us to interact all that much. "If you really wanted to shut me away, you could have installed a kitchen . Then my seclusion would be complete." Again, I meant for that to be teasing, but his face fell, and I immediately regretted my words.

"I'm sorry. I should have asked what you would have wanted. I was just trying to think about what you would need, and…"

"Stop!" I said firmly. He obeyed so quickly, almost as though I had slapped him, that I wondered just what I had done to cause such reactions. "Breathe" I told him. Thankfully, he started inhaling deeply and seemed to ease up slightly. I decided to be honest with him, "This is more than I was expecting. I just don't like the idea of being hidden away like some dirty little secret."

"I understand Sir. That's why I tried… it's just… I know how much you like your privacy."

"I have more privacy than I think I'll ever need. Any more, and I'll still think I was in nothing but a fancy prison. Hence the sarcasm."

"I'm sorry Sir."

"Stop apologizing and please just call me Severus." Harry hung his head, but nodded anyway. I couldn't help but stare at the young man who put so much thought into my well-being. "I'm still adjusting to everything, and I appreciate you're allowing me to take things at my own pace, but I need some human interaction, otherwise I think I'll go insane."

His eyes started to sparkle with a little bit of what looked like hope. This was a good start. "I'll be around. I need to find something useful to do with my life, and this is the first time I've been allowed to think about it." He said. From what I've read in the papers, it sounds like this young man has had a hard life.

"It seems the two of us need to do a bit of soul searching then."

He nodded. "Um… are you hungry? I haven't made lunch yet, and I'm not sure what you'd like. There's tea, shortbread, and various things. I can show you where the kitchen is." Harry was getting a little flustered again.

I moved to block the door. "First of all, I want to make something perfectly clear. Whatever man you think I am, I am not a monster. Therefore, you have no need to fear me. I don't know what sort of man I was, but the last thing I want is to live with someone who is afraid of me."

The nerves were back when Harry answered. "I'm sorry Sir… Severus. It's just that… this is so strange. I owe you so much, even if you don't remember, but we've… never really been on the best of terms. I'm sure the War had something to do with that, but personally… it's complicated and… " I held up my hand to stop him. Again, he obeyed. Too easily for my liking.

"If it helps, think of me as the long lost twin of the man you once knew. I know nothing about him, just as I know nothing about you. Are you willing to get to know me?"

This seemed to brighten Harry's mood considerably. "Yes! Of course!"

This kid sure blows hot and cold, but it's endearing, nonetheless. I couldn't help but chuckle. "Then you can start telling me about yourself during lunch. I am quite famished, and nice cup of tea sounds lovely. After you." I motioned for Harry to lead the way.


	2. Nightmares With Familiar Faces

During lunch, we were both able to ask our most pressing questions. Harry asked if I could remember anyone… friends, family and so on. It was all a blank for me, but he seemed uneasy when I told him.

He told me of his friends, and some of the adventures they had, but he avoided anything involving me, or his family. I understood his parents are dead but I didn't think anything of it.

Now that the War I can't remember is over, Harry could now think about what kind of future he'd like to have. It must have been hard on him. So much was expected of him. Yet he didn't complain. He just did what he thought he had to do. I was humbled by his acceptance to his fate. He didn't deny what I read in the papers, but he didn't have that cocky hero complex that many get.

This young man was extraordinary. As the days blended together, I felt like I didn't need to remember my past. I was perfectly happy. I brewed potions and started my own side business delivering orders by owl. I kept a journal of all of my thoughts about my current situation. Sometimes, I wake up from nightmares I cannot explain. I sometimes see Harry in them. He's either getting attacked, or I'm shouting at him. There's others I'd rather not like to dwell on. Faces… so many faces and so many negative emotions. The nightmares were growing steadily worse, but as bad as the night is, my days are pleasant. I enjoy talking to Harry, and he even helps me with preparing potions. The smallest praise from me lights up his face.

* * *

After a particularly grueling nightmare, I jerk awake as I felt a pressure on my arm. I lash out before my brain has a moment to catch up, but the first thing I realize is that I am not alone. Someone is on my bed facing away from me. I could tell it was Harry, but he was holding his cheek. I panicked as I hastily sit up and flick the lights on with my wand. "Harry." I gently call to him. "Harry. Look at me."

"It's alright. You just caught me by surprise. I should have known better than to startle you."

This wasn't reassuring me. I continued to gently pry his hands away and turn him towards me. When I saw the damage, I immediately hated myself. I struck him. So hard in fact that it split his lip and started the beginnings of a sizable bruise under his eye. His fearful eyes were glistening from unshed tears either from pain or fear. It didn't matter, because I was the cause for both of them. "I'm so sorry Harry. Come on, let's get that looked at." I say gently. I lead him to the bathroom where I diagnose the damage. I heal his lip and prevent swelling in his cheek, but that bruise is going to remain there for a couple of days. He continued to avoid my gaze. I gently touch the bruise. "Does it hurt much?" I asked. He just shakes his head. "Harry look at me. Please." He still looked fearful, but he eventually met my gaze. "Tell me why you're here." There was no delicate way to put that.

He bit his lip. "I've been hearing you. You've been having nightmares. I know I should have just asked you about them, but I didn't know how. Tonight, it sounded especially bad, and I couldn't just sit by. I tried calling out to you, nearly shouting, but you didn't seem to hear me. I tried to shake your arm gently, but that was clearly the wrong thing to do. I'm sorry."

"I'm the one who should be apologizing. I had no idea my nightmares were keeping you up."

"I have my own nightmares to deal with. It's fine."

No it's not fine. Harry explained the link he shared with the Dark Lord, and it may be that he'll have nightmares for the rest of his life. He doesn't need to worry about mine. "I don't know about you, but I could do with a cup of tea. Would you care to keep me company since we're both wide awake?"

Harry nodded, and followed me into the sitting room. He called for Kreacher, the surly elf who was the only other occupant in this place. Soon, we were sitting in silence, drinking our tea by the fire. I look over towards Harry who is staring into the fire. "I'm sorry if this is rude, but I am not able to take Dreamless Sleep due to the other potions I need to take. But why don't you use it?"

Harry smiled sadly, "Because it doesn't work on me. And rather than overusing a potion that is not guaranteed to work, I just let the dreams come. They aren't as bad as before the war. I can handle some sleepless nights. At least… I don't have to worry about my dreams being real."

"Beg pardon?"

"Through the connection. I… used to be able to feel the cruciatus curse whenever it was used, and there were times when my visions were real, and resulted in the deaths and near deaths of people I know and loved." He continued to look off into the fire. This young man has had to go through so much. I knew that I must have had my share of trials, but it almost felt unfair that I virtually have a clean slate compared to him. "What do you dream of." He asked me.

"I don't know. It's mostly about things that confuse me. People I don't remember, and yet… I see things… things I should know… but it frightens me. It's like a dark tunnel that holds all of the answers, but I'm too scared to go down there."

Surprisingly, Harry reached over to grasp my hand. "Severus." I look up at him. "I know what kinds of things are probably plaguing your dreams. I know enough to be pretty sure. Is it horrible of me to say that I wish you never remember what happened? You've led such a hard life, and I can't even tell if you were ever happy. But right now, you smile, you laugh, and you seem to be content. And I just don't want you to lose that."

I could tell there was more in that. "What brought this on?" I ask as I gently stroke his hand.

He looks down. "I just… I don't want your nightmares or your memories to destroy what peace you have. The nurses told me that it's possible that if you do get your memories back, you won't remember this part of your life. I don't want you to forget."

He's still hiding something. Something inside me believes he is saying, _I don't want you to forget me._ Part of me just wanted to embrace him. "Answer me this, Harry, and please be honest. Comparing our past, who do you feel has led the more difficult life?"

He seemed startled by this question. "You have. No question about it!"

"But why. I know you don't want to go into much detail, but from what I've heard about your life, and piecing things that you won't tell me together makes it hard for me to believe."

"I've only just turned 18. But this war… this battle, you have been fighting on the front lines in the most dangerous of positions before I was even born. From what I know of your past, you didn't have a very good childhood, and it became even worse as you got older. Even so, you never swayed. You never gave up. And you've saved my life more times than I could count."

I nearly blushed under his praise. I knew he was being honest. He looked beautiful in the firelight, and I couldn't help but brush his hair out of his face. "Harry…" I didn't know what to say. "You said we never really got along before. Why? It sounds like we have much in common."

He looked down. "You… uh… let's just say… um… how do I explain this…"

"You don't have to answer that if you don't wish to." He's probably afraid of how I'd treat him afterwards. Apparently I wasn't this gentle.

"It's a fair question. And it's one that I've been trying to answer for myself. But it's just… so complicated."

"I understand."

"I like being… as we are. I like being able to talk to you, and not have to worry about either one of us being in danger."

"That is a good start. I'll see if I can find an alternative potion for both of us to keep the nightmares at bay." Harry looked like he wanted to say something, but kept his mouth shut. "Are you afraid that the first wrong word you say, I'll suddenly remember everything, and lash out at you?"

He looks down, "It has crossed my mind…"

"You're still afraid of me, then?" This made me sad.

"No! It's not that! Not really anyway."

"Then allow me to propose something." I say. I'm being a little sneaky about this. "Do you believe I would keep you safe?"

"…Yes…" He said, clearly not sure where I was going with this.

"Then why not stay here for the rest of the night. I promise you have nothing to fear. All I mean is for a good night's sleep. We both need it." Harry looked at the couch, thinking about it. But I had somewhere else in mind. "You are welcome to the couch, but that monstrous bed is large enough to accommodate the both of us. Again, I mean no offense."

Harry's face turned a delightful shade of red. Though he nodded anyway. We silently moved towards the bedroom and slid into the covers. Already I felt more at ease. But the tenseness of Harry's back told me he wasn't. I reached over and lightly rubbed his arm. "Harry. You don't have to force yourself to stay." I told him as he seemed to tense more at my touch. Slowly, he turned around.

"I'm sorry Severus. We've been living together for a while now, and I still don't know how to act around you."

"Well, I hope you can be yourself at some point. Not the skittish little bunny." Harry chuckled at that. "I know you don't want to tell me anything negative. But if I ask some questions, would you be able to just give me a yes or no answer?" Harry nodded. "Have I ever hurt you, before this accident tonight?"

Harry went tense again. "Yes."

I didn't like that. "Physically?" He nodded. "Emotionally?" Another nod. "Was I ever sorry for doing it?"

Harry bit his lips and looked down. "No…" No wonder he was so afraid of me. I must really have been some sort of tyrant.

"Did I scare others?"

"Yes."

I forced him to look back up at me. "Then why do you help me? Is it out of pity?"

"No." He said while shaking his head. "Understanding."

My heart warms at that. I smile at him as I pull some of his hair away from his face. "Ask me some questions. Help ease yourself with who I am right now. Time will tell whether or not things change with my memories. But right now, I'm here, as I am. And you don't know me. Ask the questions that you've been burning to ask. Please."

Harry thought for a moment. " _Are_ you happy?"

I smile. "As far as I can tell, yes. Though I wouldn't be opposed to going out once in a while."

Harry smiled at that. "What will you do if you don't get your memories back?"

"I suppose I'll carry on as I have been. I see no need for any drastic changes anytime soon. If what you say is true and I've lived a hard life, then I believe a simple life is just what I need."

Harry's smile grew, but then it faded. "What if you do get your memories back and you forget all of this?"

"That's as much of a mystery to me as it is to you. I suppose… I will have to read the journal I've been writing in and make up my mind then."

"Would you be willing to meet my friends?"

"Would they be willing to meet me might be the better question. I also thought no one was supposed to know I survived." I look at him quizzically.

"The affairs at the Ministry are nearing conclusion. It'll be another couple of months before it's safe to take you out of hiding, but in the meantime, I thought you would like some different company from time to time. I don't want you to get sick of seeing me all the time." I know he meant it to be teasing, but I could tell that was a more honest statement than he would admit.

"I can't think of anyone I'd rather be holed up with." I say honestly. It's revealing a bit much, but seeing the blush on his face was worth it. "Some different faces might be a good thing. Not all the time, but I wouldn't mind small get togethers once in a while."

Harry bit his lip again, contemplating his next question. "Would you… please tell me if I do something wrong? I mean… uh… if I annoy or offend or something… I just…I'm not explaining this right…"

I chuckled, "You mean if you speak or act in a way I disapprove, to let you know, is that it?" He nods, not trusting his voice. "If you speak of something I do not wish to hear or talk about, I will let you know. If you do something that offends, I will gently tell you. I will never yell at you unless there is an absolutely good reason for it such as a life threatening situation, which I pray we don't have."

Harry seemed to ease up at this. "I think that's what I really needed to hear." With that, he eased his head onto the pillow.

"For what it's worth. I'm sorry. For all of it. For everything I can't remember."

Harry looked at me, "That's like apologizing for someone else's wrongdoings. It doesn't really count."

He's right, but still. "I'm sorry I have a bastard as my evil twin."

Harry laughed at that. We both settled down, and sleep quickly took us both.


	3. Meeting Again

Over the next week, sleeping in the same bed almost became a ritual. It was not intimate, just necessary. It appeared to be working since neither of us seemed to be having any more nightmares but I was faced with a different problem. Every night, I want to kiss Harry goodnight. And every night, I start having dreams about the two of us together. And every morning, I wake with a painfully hard erection that I cannot blame on usual morning happenings.

It's not just lust I feel for him. I want to hold Harry. I want to cuddle with him on the couch in front of the fire. This simple life would be bliss if he was mine. But I can tell, even though he is more comfortable with me, he still regards me with some form of trepidation.

I'm still trying to come up with a different potion that would help with the nightmares though. If anything, it's for Harry. I know he's not comfortable being in my bed, and his sleep is still troubled. Without him knowing, I've taken to lightly holding him from behind as he sleeps. He seems to calm down a bit, and I can swiftly move away if he were to wake. But I also end up resting my head against his. I smell his hair and kiss the top of his head, and make believe we are actually an item. Yet I've seen the many scars on my body, and the face in the mirror is well past its prime.

* * *

Finally, the day came when Harry would invite his friends over. He's told me that he's already told them of my condition, but it feels strange meeting people who feel like they already know you and don't like you. Harry's reassured me that this group will give him the benefit of the doubt. As I walk with him down the stairs, I can hear voices in the main sitting room. Upon entering, I see only three individuals. At least it was less than I was expecting. Surely I can handle three people for an afternoon. The older man comes up to me.

"Good day to you Severus. I suppose you need an introduction. Remus Lupin at your service." He extends his hand which I shake. I couldn't find anything familiar about him, but I couldn't help but notice the fresh scars on his face. He apparently knew what I was looking at. "Ah yes, well. I'm also a werewolf. Have been for years. And it's been you who have helped me cope with it by the potions you've invented. I know it must be strange for you with all of this. Harry has told us the basics of your condition. If you have any questions, we are all willing to help in any way we can." With that, he stepped back so that the younger people could introduce themselves. I already felt irritated with the red head, but I couldn't understand why. I shook their hands and learned their names, Ron and Hermione.

As we sat down to tea, we all fell into an easy line of conversation. Ron and Hermione were updating Harry on their lives and directions while Remus talked about his newly appointed role in the Ministry thanks to someone called Kingsley. Harry stood to get more tea and a more substantial lunch underway while his friend went with him to lend a hand.

"What troubles you, my friend?" I hear Remus ask next to me. "You've hardly spoken this whole time."

"I just don't know what to do. Between Harry and everything I've heard… I'm not a well liked individual. How am I supposed to act?"

"With a grain of salt. I can tell you that I've known you since our days in school. Yet I've never seen you so calm."

"Harry is afraid that I'll regain my memories and I'll forget we were ever cordial. What say you to that?"

"I'd say it's a valid fear. All of us… we share the most complicated web of connections. You… how shall I put this. Your treatment of Harry and everyone was well… justified. If I had to label it. I know Harry doesn't want me to tell you about it, but despite everything, he respects and admires you. I have my own set of dark memories I wish to forget. Some of them do involve you. But I've learned to accept when others have forgiven me, and I know who my true friends are. I believe Harry wishes to be someone you can call a 'friend'. Don't tell him I told you though. He would kill me for admitting it." He smirked.

I couldn't help but return the smirk. I knew that Harry wants that. So do I. I've been writing everything in my journal. I still don't know the heart of his worries, but I hope to learn of them soon. I will not ask it from anyone else. "I honestly don't know what will happen. Can you tell me what's your main relation to him?"

"In a way, I would be considered his godfather. The man I loved was his official godfather, but… I suppose you can say he was a casualty of the war."

"I'm sorry."

He chuckled. "You wouldn't be if you remembered who it was. Still, I'm glad to accept the condolence. It hasn't been easy for anyone. The war has changed us all. You most of all. I'm glad to see you so relaxed."

"What type of relation did we have?"

"It's complicated."

I was tired of hearing this answer. "If you didn't like me, just say so."

"It's not that. My love, he influenced how I thought of people for a long time. I finally stood up to him and he learned not to be so controlling. Yet he was still overbearing most of the time. I suppose you could call him an acquired taste. Even so, I really did wish you and I had a better relationship. At school and as men. I would like to have intellectual conversations over a glass of brandy or some such scenario."

I thought about it. "That actually sounds ideal. And let me tell you something that I've told Harry. I don't know what sort of man I was. And I don't know what the future will hold. But I'm willing to get to know those around me if they are also willing to do the same."

He extends his hand again. "Then we are in accord." I shake his hand again. It feels nice having friends. "How is your potion brewing?"

"As well as I can imagine."

"Could I trouble you for possible help on the brewing of my Wolfsbane? I can pay you for your time and efforts. It's just that the supply you gave me last time is nearly running out."

"And you trust me to brew this complex potion with the same precision as I used to?"

"I would trust no other."

That sold me. "Then I would be happy to help." I was hoping he wasn't getting close to me just so he could ask me for a favor.

"I know, as payment, I can acquire some potions ingredients I know to be quite rare. The Ministry has excellent resources for unlisted items."

I laughed. "Make that government work, eh?" We both laughed as the other three finally came in with trays of sandwiches and finger foods. It looked like a banquet. I guess this could be considered a bit of a celebration.

I joined in more of the conversations after that. The other two felt more comfortable to talk to me. Hermione appeared to be very bright. Ron still seemed a little weary.

The afternoon appeared to be a huge success. When they left in the early evening, Harry turned to me. "How are you doing?"

"Quite well." I look at him. "Are you surprised?"

He blushed a little, "In a way, yes. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you why."

Indeed. "Would you be opposed to a light supper and a game of chess to wind down the evening?"

Harry gave a brilliant smile. "I would love that. I'll get started on the preparations then." Harry left to the kitchen and I couldn't help but snicker seeing the boy in his apron. He's proven to be an exceptional cook. I truly thought that I did have the ideal life in that moment. I will be sure to express so in my journal this evening.


	4. Time To Leave

The weeks went by faster than both of us thought possible, but then came the day of my liberation. I was officially cleared of all charges Death Eater related, and have been awarded the Order of Merlin First Class. My survival of the final battle was made public, but my condition was kept under wraps. As such, the buzz of the media soon died down around me. But it meant that I could get out of the house. And another option that the two of us were avoiding on discussing… was that I could move out now that the government have unfrozen my assets.

The truth was, I didn't want to leave. Harry is still weary around me at times, but we live quite comfortably. Harry has been taking extra classes by owl, trying to get a feel for what he wants to do with the rest of his life. I continue my potions and research. Life is simple, but good.

* * *

One evening, the two of us are sitting on my sitting room couch and we're both reading by the fire. Some movement out of the corner of my eye draws my attention as I see Harry rub his neck and wince in pain. He is quite stiff, and I can see a lump on his shoulder, indicating some swelling in his muscles. "Are you alright?"

Harry immediately pulls his hand away as though he was caught doing something wrong. "What? Oh. I'm fine." He nearly spluttered.

"If your shoulder is bothering you, you could just tell me." He never wanted to tell me when he was in pain, or in discomfort. "I could get you a potion for the pain."

"It's nothing. Really. It's just a pulled muscle. I'm fine." He tried to go back to reading.

"Poppycock. Turn around." I scooted closer to Harry, coming up close behind him. His tense frame grew even more rigid as I placed my hands on his shoulders. As I start rubbing the sore muscles, I watch Harry's head start to sag and his shoulders begin to relax. I rub his neck and massage around his shoulder blade, releasing the knots I find. To my amusement, Harry is trying to suppress his little moans of pleasure.

My long fingers comb through his hair, massaging the scalp, and Harry is less than quiet now. His neck is so close I could kiss it. His hair is so soft, I just love the feel of it running through my fingers. As an experiment, I lightly scratch my nails down his neck, and I feel the responding shiver. I better stop. I'm at risk of showing him my affections too much. His eyes are closed, and his lips are parted. They are begging to be kissed.

It was then that I realized I was in trouble. I was two seconds away from forcing myself on Harry. The kindest soul. I abruptly stand up and head over to the fire. I know what I must do, and it tears at me. "Perhaps it is time I moved on." I force myself to say.

"What?" Harry asked, coming out of his daze.

"I do not wish to be a burden any longer. I… think I've overstayed my welcome."

Harry was silent behind me, and I didn't like that. I heard him get up while saying, "As you wish." But it sounded so resigned. So sad. My leaving makes him sad?

I heard him quietly head for the door. "Harry, wait!" I call out to him as he reached for the knob of the door. He didn't turn it, but he didn't turn around either. I came up behind him. "You have been so kind to me. More than I'm sure I or anyone would deserve. But I can't ignore what I'm feeling any more. I don't wish to offend you. But I… I want to be close to you Harry. I know I am old enough to be your father, and what I say may disgust you. But I can't see you in my bed at night without wishing we could be more. I want to hold you and cherish you. But the last thing I want to do is force myself on you."

Harry let go of the knob, but he didn't turn around. "I know you've been holding me close at night, when you think I'm asleep. I… want us to be more as well… but… my mind is full of 'what if's'. What if you get your memory back. What if you don't. What if you forget about this time. What if you don't. How could we be more when I'm so full of doubt?" His shoulders started to shake. I knew it was because he was crying.

I couldn't stay back. I wrapped my arms around him and held him close. "I wish I had the answers you seek. I wish I could reassure you." Harry clung onto my arms as though his life depended on it. "Tell me Harry. Please tell me how I was. Tell me how I treated you. Tell me what I can do to ease your burden."

After a moment of silence, Harry pulled away from my embrace. He appeared to be deep in thought as he moved to the mantle. He dried his eyes and looked into the flames. He took a deep breath and then he spoke, "First of all, you might be feeling this way since we've been living together and you've been cooped up here for months. For me though… I feel as though I've found what I've been missing for so long. But it's not… I can't believe in it with all these uncertainties. The man you once were… hated me for my very existence. Because I look like my father. A man who tormented you in your school days. You were cruel. Your words hurt me more than any physical blow. You thought me weak and inept. You made several students cower under your gaze."

I was shocked to hear this. No wonder Harry was always nervous around me. I remembered the things he told me before. It didn't feel like that was the type of person I am or was. But that didn't matter now. Harry remembers for me. He knew me before, and he knows me now. I think about that time when I accidentally hit him from waking out of a nightmare. The one memory I regret the most. But the words I heard next made me even more morose.

"Perhaps you should leave."

I know I was the one who suggested it first, but to hear it from him…

"At least… we should both try. You're always welcome here. But you need to try to live out in this new world. As do I. We can decide where to go from there. For now. I just think it's unwise to go any further."

He was wise. He's probably expecting I'll regain my memories when out in the world, and he'll be far away from the backlash. But it still didn't sit well with me. I gently turned him so that he was facing me. "I will go. But not right away. I will go out into the world, and see what I may, but I need a place to come back to. Allow me to reside here at night, and I will spend my days out in the world. Would that suffice?" I don't think I could sleep without his presence near. And I think he feels the same.

He gently nods, and I couldn't help but pull him into my embrace. He relaxes against me as I rest my head on top of his. We just fit.

To lighten the mood, I try to joke, "If I do get my memories back, and I don't remember this time, you have my full permission to kick my ass while I wreck havoc on his mind." Harry thankfully laughed at that. "I can't believe I would simply just forget everything. I have to believe. I have to believe there is a chance that this part of me will remain."

Harry held onto me as the air was thick with the tension of an uncertain future. We silently got ready for bed, and I continued to shield him from the oppressive aura of doubt. Tomorrow… I will face the world.


	5. Hidden Truths

Walking around in public was an odd affair. Either people ignored me, shrieked and ran, or shook my hand. It was annoying, but I just went along with it. I studied the map of Diagon Ally, so that I knew what store carried what. I bought another journal, since my other one was almost full, and I bought a pensieve. I decided I will store all of my good memories of Harry and I together, and I will leave clues to myself in order to find where I hide it. I won't tell Harry where it is, but if my other self is intelligent in the least, he'll be able to figure it out, and he'll be able to know how much I care for Harry.

It has been a couple weeks since that night, and even though I come back each night, Harry seems to get more and more quiet. I didn't like that. It felt like he was purposefully pulling away from me. I didn't dare touch him at night anymore, and for the past 3 nights, he's taken to sleeping in his own room.

I walked around my… 'home', I suppose… in Spinner's End. It was small, and cozy, but not very homely. It wasn't cluttered overly much, but it clearly wasn't meant to host guests. I started going through everything I could lay my hands on, trying to spark some sense of a memory, but the longer I looked, the more I felt like I was snooping through someone else's belongings.

After a few hours, I found a picture in a small chest under the bed. I suppose the young man in the picture is a younger version of me. But the girl… I don't recognize her, but there's something familiar about her. I decide to put it in my bag. Perhaps Remus could tell me something. I'll need some answers from him, and probably some guidance. Since it was growing dark, I decided to head on home… Harry's home, that is.

When I arrive, I could hear voices coming from the kitchen. I know it's impolite for me to eaves drop, but I can't help it if they are being too loud. From the sounds, I suspect it's Harry's friends, Ron and Hermione.

"Harry, be reasonable. You've hardly left this place in months. We hardly see you anymore." Hermione, from the sound.

"I know. I know. I swear, once everything is sorted out, I promise we'll cause havoc like old times." I heard Harry respond.

"Your life doesn't have to revolve around taking care of Snape."

"I know it doesn't."

"Then why do you allow yourself to be cooped up? You should have started Auror training weeks ago!"

"I've told you before. I don't want to be an Auror anymore. I'm done with fighting. I enjoy being here. Doing simple things. Helping Severus with his potions. Cooking. Research. I don't _need_ anything else."

"Merlin, Harry. You're starting to sound like a little ol' housewife! Perhaps we should get you a frilly apron!" Ronald laughed.

"You're not helping Ron!" Hermione chastised. "Harry, I know you want to lie low because of the media, and there is nothing wrong with a simple life. For crying out loud, you can sit on your rear end until the day you die. But I know you Harry. You won't be satisfied with the quiet life for long. For now, yes. But what about next year? You're going to get bored and restless."

There was no response to that, indicating she was right.

"I know… but right now…" His voice sounded shaky. "Right now… I have him. You don't know what it's like. Living a dream, waiting to wake up into the nightmare of a reality. I keep expecting him to look at me with hatred. Ridiculing me. Making me feeling like a stupid idiot just for being alive. For being the spitting image of James, and how dare I have my mothers eyes. He loved her you know? It was there in his memories. He loved my mother, and I never knew." He's full on crying now. My heart was aching, wanting to go to him, but I needed to listen. "He hated my father, loved my mother, and I'm just in between. But now, he sees me. He sees Harry. Not the tragic child, not the boy wonder, not a savior. He sees me. And I love him. I love him, but he could never love me if he regained his memories. Every day, I put myself at risk, thinking that it's the day when he will remember. Like living with a bomb that's ticking, but the counter screen is turned off. Every day… every time he comes back, I expect him to start shouting at me. I expect him to lash out at me. And every morning, when he leaves, it feels like it's the last I'll ever see of him. I just don't know what to do right now…" it was then that I heard the crying increase. I quickly and quietly slip away, back outside. I think about what I just heard.

Harry loves me… honestly loves me… but he is afraid. So afraid of what would happen. I needed answers. Now.

* * *

I found myself outside of the residence of Remus Lupin. Tentatively, I knock on the door. I didn't have to wait long. "Severus! Good to see you out and about. Please, come in, come in." He stood back to allow me entrance.

"Thank you. I apologize for the late visit."

"Not at all. I'm a night person, obviously. What can I do for you?"

"Well, to be perfectly frank, I need your council."

"Certainly. Would you care for a cup of tea?"

"Please."

Remus set about fixing tea while I sat at his counter. "So what sort of council did you have in mind?"

"It concerns Harry."

Remus stopped in his preparations for a moment before he spoke. "I see."

"He's afraid of what's going to happen if I get my memories back."

"I am aware. Harry's been sending me letters, explaining the situation."

"Then how much do you know?"

"More than his best friends, I might venture."

"Then what is your take on the situation?"

"Well, I honestly cannot say. I would first like to know your side of the situation before I pass judgment."

"First, please tell me about this." I pull out the photo.

Remus set down the hot cups, and reached over to take a look. "Ah! Yes. This is definitely Lily. I believe the two of you were good friends before…" He stopped himself.

"Before what? Don't skirt around the details, please." I nearly begged.

"She told me that the two of you had a falling out. You called her a mudblood, and she refused to talk to you until you apologized, though she says you never did. At least… not enough to fix the bond you two had. She was sad she lost her childhood friend, but she couldn't deny the fact that she fell in love with James Potter. The choice for her was difficult. But she knew that the two of you would never grow passed your differences."

I thought about this, and about what I heard from Harry earlier. I was now confused. Did I love Harry because of some residual feelings for his mother? I took the photo back and looked at her. She was beautiful, but… something was missing. Her eyes were bright and her smile was warm, but I didn't feel anything for the woman in the photo. "How bad was it? Harry said I was tormented. What happened?"

Remus took a sip of tea before answering. "Well… you were nearly killed for one. All because of a stupid prank that Sirrus started. I apologize for my role in it, even though I was not in my right mind. Sirrus meant to scare you, by telling you to meet him in the Shrieking shack. But that was the night of my transformation. James got you out just in time, but the damage was done. You hated everything and everyone, and I think that's what forced you to take the Dark Mark. You wanted them to be taught a lesson. But you soon were way over your head. I don't know all the details of why you became a spy for Dumbledore, but I know that Lily's death was a big part of that. I think you were also trying to make it up to her."

"Was I in love with her?"

"You loved her. That's obvious. But no, I don't think you were in love with her. Otherwise you would have fought harder to keep her away from James. You left her alone, mostly out of self-preservation rather than a selfless action."

I rubbed my face trying to clear my thoughts. "So now what? What am I to do?"

"Well, what would you ideally like to happen?"

I thought for a moment. "I want to be able to put Harry's fears to rest so that we can both move on with our lives the way we want."

"You mean you want to be able to be in a relationship with Harry." Remus smirked.

"Are you opposed to that?"

"Speaking as a Godfather, I'm a little concerned. Mainly about the age. However, speaking as someone Harry trusts, I'd be glad if I could see you both happy."

I smiled at that. "Then what should I do? I can't just wait around and see if my memories will return. What if they don't? What if there's nothing to fear, and Harry and I end up wasting so much time that the "flames of desire" fan out?"

"Ah, so you're afraid he'll wise up and leave you for someone else?"

"Yes. I can't deny it. He once said this to me, but I can't help but think it's true about him as well. That I only felt the way I feel because we've been cooped up together for months."

Remus thought about this. "Actually, that can't apply to him."

"Why not?"

"Because he's been in love with you for years. He'll never look at another the way he looks at you."

I was shocked to hear this. Harry loved me, despite the way I've treated him during the years I can't remember. "But why? From what I know, I was awful to him. Completely. Why would he love me?"

"Because, when he learned of your past through the pensieve you had, he started to think about how hard life must have been for you. He said it helped him bear the burden. He was devastated because of… well… you know. But he felt you had a lot in common. And you didn't treat him as though he was the savior, that he had all the answers. You were harsh, yes, but you were honest. You had to keep up the animosity to keep Harry protected against any other threats at the school. Harry tried so hard to understand what you were going through. During your years as a Death Eater, and the years you were a spy. You turned to Dumbledore when you discovered the Potters had been targeted, and you blamed yourself for Lily's death. But Harry has forgiven you of probably everything you've ever done. I've never seen such devotion to anyone."

My mind was whirling with the information he was just given. One thing was for certain. I want Harry in my life. My other self be damned. If Harry could forgive the monster I was… then surely we could make this work. With my mind made up, I went to stand. "Thank you for your honesty, and your council. I think I should go discuss some things with Harry."

Remus smiled and shook my hand. "I wish you both the best of luck."


End file.
